Untitled

And years later I finally return to my spiritual journey! Since my last post I have tried to go to various churches to reconnect with my Christian roots. Didn't work. Either just didn't quite fit, was stale or purely creepy. So I have taken my time over the last couple of years. Experimenting with praying to a God or Godess. I opened up to spiritual work in receiving energy work such as Shamanic journeying, Cranial Sacrial or Reiki. That was helpful too. But I honestly cannot see one without the other (Christian/ "New Age"). Not to mention I have been SO judgemental about the whole thing that I have had trouble opening up. Until finally I began to focus less on the opinions of others and more of my spiritual self and my feeling of Oneness with Good/Godess/Creator/the universe/higher self or whatever you want to call it. I realized that religion is a tricky thing because it once again places us in a victim role. Unable to control circumstances. I decided that I can "heal myself". So I continue with the energy work, praying if it feels right, but I took control and put myself into action. I started meditating on a regular basis while intertwining Buddhist, Christian, and Wicca beliefs. I took what is called a Reiki level 1 course. I began to spend more time in nature. But most of all when I caught myself getting caught up in that which is the crappy bullshit feelings of society, I looked inward rather than outward. I stopped trying to do mind reading scripts of those in my life. I stopped focusing on what others thought. I stopped seeking external ways to fix my situation... I stopped focusing on dating, on a God to fix things... and I focused on what felt true to me instinctively... but with connection to the greater universe. It has led me in such an interesting direction so far. One that I am quite surprised by! Between dreaming of 4 leaf clovers and reading Jeff Brown's book the Uncommon Bond led me on a journey to find a healing retreat. Everything linked up to Ireland. So I have started the process of looking into work abroad!!!!!!!!!!!!! when people ask why Ireland,, I have trouble explaining the true path that led me to that revelation. However there is something pulling me that way for sure!

Childhood Reflections

Like many in this part of the world, I grew up in a family that claimed to be Christian. My father is 'Catholic' but I have never experienced him take part in a religious Catholic based activity (whatever that might be!). My mom is United. She took us to church, so we were United too. I was baptized as an infant with no recollection of the event. I can remember attending school from the time I was approximately 5 until I was a teenager. As a kid, Sunday school was just one of those things I was forced to do. I did no look forward to it but my mother always made a point of bringing us. I felt that I believed in God. That was just a well integrated component of my life as a child. I also had a fascination with Ghosts, witches, psychics and enjoyed being scared or frightening the neighbors. As many have, at a certain point I became aware of the conflicting beliefs. I also began to realize that I was pressured to be Christian, yet the adults around me did not necessarily follow through on life choices of 'good Christians'. Although remotely aware of these conflicts as a child, I did not spend much time analyzing. This would come later. I do remember praying each night. This was part of our bed time routine. Mom would spend a couple of minutes one on one of us and pray with us. This felt and feels like she was setting an example of what I would later reflect upon as positive parenting with a moral twist. I also remember reading the bible on my own time (Good News Children's Bible). I had moments where I felt very spiritually connected to God. In fact, at times of emotional distress, I would seek guidance with the bible. I would pray for this and then randomly open a page. It would open to a scripture that was somehow perfectly relevant to the difficulty I had been experiencing. And it provided me with fantastic insight. It also calmed me. Reassured me that God did exist. I also spent much time attempting to connect with the 'other side'. I used seances and ouigi boards as my tools. I experienced hearing noises, seeing images and feeling as if I could communicate with spirits... or in some cases, something darker. At times this felt scary. But usually I felt right at home when completing these tasks. I tried to work on my intuitive senses and at times would find myself in what seemed like a trance... feeling disconnected from my body. Now I would compare this to meditation. Ultimately, I felt at ease in a world where I could communicate with spirits, learn about witch practices, pray to God and read the bible. As time went on, I learned that these beliefs and the other people in my society seemed to conflict. At I was 'confirmed' as a member of the United Church. I was required to take Bible study courses and make a public statement of my interests. The timing of this is interests as this is the specific moment I remember beginning to have serious doubts and concerns regarding what I had been taught and the answers I could not have answered.

Lets see where this may go

I've always enjoyed journaling. For a long time I felt inspired to write my true inner thoughts, but always felt the need to censor. I have been blogging since 2004 and ran into the same difficulty. I also felt an interesting pressure to develop a theme, or purpose for my blog and could never think of what that might be. In addition to my worries of 'putting it out there', there is also the very real concern that once something is online, there is little control in how the information is used. ^ I'm working on getting over that. Years later, I still feel inspired. So here we go! A common thread in my life has been questions, thoughts, debates regarding organized religion, 'alternative' spiritual practices and spirituality in general. My hope with this blog, is that in sharing my story... writing it down, that I will develop deepened insight into my spiritual self. And that I will develop new perspectives. Part of this, may be able take place by sharing my blog to readers who can share worldviews that differ from mine. I also hope that this might be somehow helpful to others. With that said, if you have stumbled upon this blog and wish to comment: Please be respectful If you strongly disagree with what I say, feel free to let me know. But try to do so in a positive, kind minded way. To start, I think it would be therapeutic to try writing from the beginning. My next post will explore the expectations, thoughts and beliefs I had as a child. Then considering how they have changed. ~J