Childhood Reflections

Like many in this part of the world, I grew up in a family that claimed to be Christian. My father is 'Catholic' but I have never experienced him take part in a religious Catholic based activity (whatever that might be!). My mom is United. She took us to church, so we were United too. I was baptized as an infant with no recollection of the event. I can remember attending school from the time I was approximately 5 until I was a teenager. As a kid, Sunday school was just one of those things I was forced to do. I did no look forward to it but my mother always made a point of bringing us. I felt that I believed in God. That was just a well integrated component of my life as a child. I also had a fascination with Ghosts, witches, psychics and enjoyed being scared or frightening the neighbors. As many have, at a certain point I became aware of the conflicting beliefs. I also began to realize that I was pressured to be Christian, yet the adults around me did not necessarily follow through on life choices of 'good Christians'. Although remotely aware of these conflicts as a child, I did not spend much time analyzing. This would come later. I do remember praying each night. This was part of our bed time routine. Mom would spend a couple of minutes one on one of us and pray with us. This felt and feels like she was setting an example of what I would later reflect upon as positive parenting with a moral twist. I also remember reading the bible on my own time (Good News Children's Bible). I had moments where I felt very spiritually connected to God. In fact, at times of emotional distress, I would seek guidance with the bible. I would pray for this and then randomly open a page. It would open to a scripture that was somehow perfectly relevant to the difficulty I had been experiencing. And it provided me with fantastic insight. It also calmed me. Reassured me that God did exist. I also spent much time attempting to connect with the 'other side'. I used seances and ouigi boards as my tools. I experienced hearing noises, seeing images and feeling as if I could communicate with spirits... or in some cases, something darker. At times this felt scary. But usually I felt right at home when completing these tasks. I tried to work on my intuitive senses and at times would find myself in what seemed like a trance... feeling disconnected from my body. Now I would compare this to meditation. Ultimately, I felt at ease in a world where I could communicate with spirits, learn about witch practices, pray to God and read the bible. As time went on, I learned that these beliefs and the other people in my society seemed to conflict. At I was 'confirmed' as a member of the United Church. I was required to take Bible study courses and make a public statement of my interests. The timing of this is interests as this is the specific moment I remember beginning to have serious doubts and concerns regarding what I had been taught and the answers I could not have answered.